This week I got my very first Patreon Patron—the informative and insightful Diplomacy Briefing!
I’m ecstatic! I haven’t felt this good about earning a dollar since I got my first paycheck at age 15 from a brief summer job working for my uncle.
Thank you my friend. Thank you for becoming my Patron, and for all you do with your publication. You have featured my writing many times, and I think your magazine has contributed to the increase in readership this blog has had in 2020. You are truly an ally.
In a fit of inspiration brought on by this moment, I decided to write something quite different from my usual style…
The Major’s Speech[1]This section is a re-write of one of my favorite monologues in all of fiction.
My friends, it obvious that I like Diplomacy.
My friends, I like Diplomacy…
No, friends, I love Diplomacy!
I love solo wins.
I love backstabs.
I love stalemate lines.
I love movement, supports, I love impassable holds, and retreats.
Diplomacy is in the messages, in the orders, in strategies, in signals, in the players’ attitudes, their beliefs, their thoughts, in their dreams, I love every aspect of life that can be brought forth in any match.
I love blasting an enemy with coordinated surprise attacks so that they never get a single build.
My heart leaps with joy whenever a power is cut to ribbons by a perfectly-timed backstab. And there is nothing like surrounding and destroying an enemy unit with a forced disband. And the feeling that comes when a backstab victim publishes a manifesto against their betrayer, only to be met with indifference and “I told you so,” is such an exquisite feeling. Like when a dozen pieces suddenly all move in the same direction in a coordinated attack. It moves me deep within my heart to watch a new player take their very first act revenge against a traitorous ally.
The sight of units marching towards a solo win is an irresistible pleasure. And there is nothing more amusing than the complaints of defeated losers, pointing fingers and blaming each other for their preventable failures.
When a player with just a single supply center believes they have secured a draw, only to have their last center scooped up by their coalition of allies, I’m in ecstasy.
I love it when my units are outmaneuvered by an opponent’s perfect guesses. It’s so sad to see key stalemate line centers that were supposed to be defended at all costs being captured by the dominant power, the other players now inevitably faced with defeat.
I love to be squashed under the momentum of a well-played juggernaut alliance. The humiliation as I realize I should have seen it coming, struggling to cling to even one supply center.
My friends… All I ask for is Diplomacy, Diplomacy so elaborate and intense as to render Machiavelli and Bismarck as amateurs. My friends, I ask you as fellow gamers: what is it that you really want? Do you wish for Diplomacy as I do?
Do you wish for merciless, shocking Diplomacy? A spectacular match built on intrigue and cunning and wit?
Do you ask for Diplomacy that sucks you in like a tornado, sweeping you off the ground of the Earthly life you cling to?
…Very well. Then Diplomacy is what you shall have.
Footnotes
| ↑1 | This section is a re-write of one of my favorite monologues in all of fiction. |
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