6 Ways “Nonviolent Communication” Will Improve Your Press Diplomacy21 min read

On the BrotherBored Patreon, fans submit ideas for articles and help me choose which topic I’ll write about next!

The most recent winning topic was:

Draw a connection between Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (1999) and how to approach press better in Diplomacy.

Introduction

For context, I recommended Nonviolent Communication to my fellow gamers on the BrotherBored Discord server.^[1]My Patreon Patrons of any level are automatically added to my Discover server! The book is available on Audible and is less than 6 hours long, so if you have an Audible subscription I recommend giving this book a try.^[2]The audiobook reader is the author himself, and he has an interesting speaking style. It is also an older textbook, so it is available at many libraries.

The Patron who submitted this topic read the book as I recommended. However, he has struggled to see how the teachings can improve one’s approach to press in Diplomacy.

What’s Nonviolent Communication about?

Do you hunger for skills to improve the quality of your relationships, to deepen your sense of personal empowerment or to simply communicate more effectively? Unfortunately, for centuries our culture has taught us to think and speak in ways that can actually perpetuate conflict, internal pain and even violence. Nonviolent Communication partners practical skills with a powerful consciousness and vocabulary to help you get what you want peacefully.

In this internationally acclaimed text, Marshall Rosenberg offers insightful stories, anecdotes, practical exercises and role-plays that will dramatically change your approach to communication for the better. Discover how the language you use can strengthen your relationships, build trust, prevent conflicts and heal pain. Revolutionary, yet simple, NVC offers you the most effective tools to reduce violence and create peace in your life—one interaction at a time.

Over 150,000 copies sold and now available in 20 languages around the world. More than 250,000 people each year from all walks of life are learning these life-changing skills.

goodreads.com (rating: 4.36 after 17,453 ratings. 1,789 reviews)

The central thesis of Nonviolent Communication is that the main impediment to conflict resolution is the communication style employed by the parties. If one or both of the parties would employ the techniques recommended, they would likely resolve the conflict. Marshall Rosenberg offers everyday examples (like family or workplace arguments) as well as high-stakes examples (involving racism or warfare) he personally resolved (as counsellor, therapist, or mediator) using these techniques.

I absolutely love Nonviolent Communication, and I think it helped me considerably at Diplomacy. I am excited to write an article on this topic. The textbook itself is around 220 pages. It is chock-full of techniques and examples. I have no intention of re-writing the entire text into the Diplomacy context. I’m also not interested in making a one-to-one translation of Rosenberg’s specific points. Instead, I’m going to give advice about Press Diplomacy that is inspired by his book.

Let’s begin!

1. Word Choice Matters

I’ve dealt with many players who insist that their word choice or phrasing “doesn’t matter” because it “shouldn’t matter.” They deny that others’ choice of words matters to them—which I deem ignorance at best or self-deception at worst—and project this misapprehension onto their fellow human beings. A milder version of this self-imposed mental limitation is to believe that the benefit of well-crafted messaging is marginal when compared to the effort required to improve at it.

Your Bored Brother is here to tell you that communication is one of the core skills tested by Diplomacy. That is beyond dispute, right? That’s not an insight, right? Nevertheless, I think many players lose sight of this fundamental aspect of the game.^[3]I say this because my typical Diplomacy student is far more interested in learning tactical and strategic considerations than they are about learning communication techniques.

Let’s consider some techniques for improving word choice.

Craft Messages to Satisfy Others (Not Your Ego)

The most fundamental technique for successful communication is to focus on the other person.

Start with the understanding you would like the other player to have—imagine that in your mind—and then choose words likely to bring about that understanding. If you are indifferent to how your message might be received by the other person, you risk your message backfiring.

When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

If you find yourself easily writing a lengthy message, or a message containing criticism or demands, that draft is probably a product of haste and impatience. You drafted that message to satisfy yourself.

When you write to satisfy only yourself, you fill your communication with a bunch of “noise” that makes it much harder for the other person to understand what you want. Wordiness, a harsh tone, criticism, demands and other potentially rude messaging styles throw in a lot of emotional “noise” into what otherwise might have been a clear message.

Like turning down your car radio when ordering fast food at the drive thru, you should turn down the background noise of your messages to ensure clear communication between yourself and your rival.

Phrase Your Desires as Requests—Not Demands!

We can never make people do anything.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Although the difference in phrasing seems subtle—even superficial!—the difference in results is profound.

When you seem flexible and respectful, players are not only more likely to honor your requests in the short term, they are more likely to consider you a reliable player (and potential ally) in the long term.

When you seem inflexible and rude, players may defy your demands just to spite you. And, even if they comply with your demand in the short term, they will look for allies elsewhere.

Our requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive[.]Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Requests read like this:

• “What if you support my fleet at Mid-Atlantic Ocean into Spain?”
• “If I agree to support you into Norway, would you promise not to build in St. Petersburg?”
• “I am hoping to capture Bulgaria this turn. Are you willing to spare a unit to help me out?”

To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

If the other players turns you down, don’t press the point. If you persist in advancing your “request,” that player will figure out that you are actually making a demand and not a request at all. Instead, when your request is turned down, propose other ideas!

2. Cooperation Requires Clarity

The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

In order for your rivals to grant your requests, they must first understand what you are asking them to do. A communication breakdown is a common cause of dysfunctional alliances. Conversely, clear understandings lead to long relationships. How can you increase the clarity of your messages?

Be Specific

Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want. [. . .] Vague language contributes to internal confusion.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Vague requests like “let’s attack France!” might not make it clear to the other player what you really want them to do. Do you want them to build a certain unit, or support a certain move? The more specific you can be with your request, the more likely your rival is to understand it—and therefore give you a straight answer.

Don’t assume that others know what you want. Not every player has the same understanding of what a Juggernaut alliance^[4]”Juggernaut” is the Diplomacy jargon term for a Russia/Turkey alliance. is supposed to do in first couple of turns. A rival might not infer that you want them to keep certain information secret. Maybe you think a fleet build is unfriendly, but they would not have made the same assessment in your shoes.

When your rival has behaved in a way that is not to your liking, but you never made it clear what you wanted them to do in the first place, how do you know if they are hostile or not? Maybe it was a misunderstanding. Maybe they would have complied with your request if you had been clear!

Instead of using vague language or simply assuming, communicate about the details. When your rival has clearly understood what you are seeking, they are more likely to do as you would like. And if you have been clear, and yet your rival did not comply, you at least know that their behavior was not due to a misunderstanding.

Ask Your Rivals to Be Specific

Even if you are clear, your rival may not be. Don’t assume you know what others want. If you do not behave as your rival would like you to, they may interpret your action as hostile. They may not believe you (or may not care!) that their own lack of clarity is the cause.

If you are playing as Austria allied to Italy in 1901, does Italy want you to build a fleet in Trieste in 1901? Who knows! That’s entirely context-dependent! Not every player has the same idea of how an Italy-Austria alliance should play out, and those ideas may change depending on that match’s particular board. If you make your build choice without consulting your ally, you might offend them for no benefit.

Instead of guessing or assuming what the Italian player thinks, ask them to make their expectations clear.

3. Empathy Always Helps

The top Press Diplomacy players^[5]I don’t quite include myself in this group, but I am working on it. will often tell you that successful Diplomacy is about making personal connections with the other players.^[6]For a successful example, read my ODC 2019 Journal.

When I say “personal connection,” I don’t necessarily mean discussing that player’s private life. I mean gaining an empathic connection. Emotions play a major role in the game of Diplomacy, and connecting yourself to the other players’ emotions confers many advantages.

The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Gain Trust by Demonstrating Your Empathy

Your rivals are more likely to trust you if they believe that you understand (and appreciate!) how they think, how they react to things, and what is important to them.^[7]Although in this article I am focused on how players understand the game, these techniques can absolutely be applied to how the player understands life in general. If you reach that level of connection with another player, you are on your way to true Diplomacy greatness. My friend, rival, and … Continue reading

To form an empathic connection with another player, spend some effort trying to understand how they think. Ask questions about their past experiences, what they see as their goals, and how they assess the game unfolding around you. If they tell you their thoughts, indicate to them that you have heard and understood what they said by repeating it back. Don’t just parrot them; rephrase their ideas in your own words to demonstrate that you have truly heard what they said.

If we have accurately received the other party’s message, our paraphrasing will confirm this for them.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

The Turk ticks me off. This is the third time in a row they have lied to me! And for what, just one supply center?

Three lies in a row? That’s kind of ridiculous. It also bothers me when players repeatedly lie over small things.

This simple technique works wonders in gaining the trust of other players. When you repeat back your understanding of their thoughts and feelings, you come across as attentive, reasonable, and interested in the relationship—everything a player should look for in a potential ally!

Apply this technique even if the other player’s emotions are directed at you.

I’m not happy about your fleet in Skagerrak. You expect me to think that’s not an aggressive move? Why didn’t you discuss this with me?

For my part, I was really worried that I needed to cover that spot this turn, but only because of something I learned in the last hour before adjudication. It was a last minute decision that I regret. I hear you on not being happy about my move, and I understand why you interpret my sudden move there as aggressive. I would also be irritated if I were in your shoes.

Do not underestimate the tranquilizing effect of empathy.

4. Look Past Words to Understand Your Rivals’ Needs

Every Diplomat has certain in-game needs. The “Diplomat” here is a combination of a great power (e.g., Turkey) and a human being (e.g., Your Bored Brother). Each power has strategic needs and each human being has emotional needs.

Remember that every Diplomat has these needs, regardless of whether that Diplomat expresses those needs to you…and regardless of whether they are even self-aware of their own strategic and emotional needs!

Discover Compromises by Considering Strategic Needs

[I]f we have a clear statement of each person’s needs—what those parties need right now from each other—we will then discover what can be done to get everybody’s needs met.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

When I’m talking about a great power’s “needs” here, I’m talking about the fundamental strategic considerations of Diplomacy: security from invasion and the opportunity to expand. Every power always has these needs in every game; they are not situational. So I’m not talking about specific tactics like “please support Serbia to Budapest using Rumania” (although some players will probably use the word “need” here). A player’s specific tactical proposals are their proposals for meeting those underlying needs…but bear in mind that there are many ways of meeting those underlying strategic needs!

So when your rival requests you to move your army to Prussia, they might not be clear about what need of theirs they’re trying to meet with this request. Maybe they’re focused on their need for security, and consider that movement a way for them to gain that security (and if you’re not sure, ask!). Meanwhile, you have a need for future expansion, and you think that will be hindered by moving your army to Prussia.

Learn to hear needs regardless of how people express them.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Try saying to your rival something like: “I sense you’re asking me to move my army to Prussia because you’re worried I might use it against you. That makes sense, and I want to reassure you. What if I move my army to Silesia instead of Prussia? I’d rather be in Silesia, and that would give you enough security, right?”

Similarly, you may have a tactical request that your cooperative rival finds disagreeable—but they haven’t made any counter proposal! Challenge yourself to be mentally flexible. Consider the underlying goal of yours you are trying to accomplish. Think up different lines of play could accomplish that goal while also satisfying your rival’s needs. The goal of this technique is to help you realize that there is room for compromise, and to help your rival also appreciate that there is room for compromise. The terms of your compromise that might be something that neither of you would have proposed without first having had this conversation!

Stay Sensitive to Unstated Emotional Needs

Be sensitive to your fellow players’ feelings, even if they are not making an effort to communicate their feelings to you (or are actively trying to conceal their feelings from you!).

As I stated earlier, emotions play a major role in Diplomacy. I have written before that many players choose their allies and enemies almost entirely on their feelings towards those players! Not only do emotions play a major role at the start of the match, but a player’s feelings can play a heightened role in their decision-making as the match goes on!

This difficulty in identifying and expressing feelings is common, and in my experience, especially so among lawyers, engineers, police officers, corporate managers, and career military personnel—people whose professional codes discourage them from manifesting emotions.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Let’s say your cooperative rival is feeling anxious about what you are doing, but is reluctant to mention their anxiety for fear of antagonizing you. This is a potentially dangerous situation, as your rival may decide to attack you without giving you any stated warning. However, the warning signs of their anxiety are probably there.

Or perhaps a player you know you need to hold a stalemate line appears to have lost interest in the match. If they give up, this could cost you the game. Don’t assume everyone is as interested in the match as you are!

Make an effort to “read between the lines” of your rivals’ messages. Ask them how they’re feeling. Hold yourself out as a player who is open to discussing the emotional needs of other players. And if they talk to you, respond empathetically. A player can work through difficult feelings if they think someone is hearing them out. If you respond with rudeness, indifference, or criticism, they probably won’t continue the conversation.

5. Observe without Judging

Most games have a psychological component, but Diplomacy might be the most psychological game I have ever played.

More than any other skill, success in Diplomacy comes from understanding the psychology of the other players. From my years of playing and teaching Diplomacy, I conclude that a common mental barrier to players understanding their rivals’ psychology is that they merely judge those players (instead of trying to understand them).

Drop Judgmental Thinking to Play “Psychological Billiards”

The phrase “I don’t understand what Austria is doing” and “Austria is a dumb/bad player” are interchangeable phrases in the judgmental mindset. Although it is wise to admit that you lack understanding of what other player is thinking, that should be a precursor to attempting to gain that understanding. But many players criticize or complain about their rivals and leave it at that.^[8]Criticism you privately think in your mind counts here; I’m not just talking about messages.

For most of us, it is difficult to make observations, especially of people and their behavior, that are free of judgment, criticism, or other forms of analysis.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Accurate understanding of how another player thinks confers a huge advantage on you. If you achieve sufficient understanding, you can predict that player’s actions. And if you can predict how a player will react to something, you can in turn influence that player’s actions (with words, or with your own actions.) Your Bored Brother has recently started calling this level of Diplomacy gameplay “Psychological Billiards.”

If you want to play Psychological Billiards, learn to appreciate the distinction between comprehension and judgment. Yes, some moves are better than others. Yes, some strategic decisions are unwise. But who cares? It doesn’t help you to pass judgment on your rivals in the middle of the match. Instead, use your observations to improve your model of how that player thinks. There is probably a way you can use their flawed thinking to your advantage!

Judgmental Thinking Impedes Your Comprehension

When a player isn’t acting as you would like, critical thoughts flow like water and complimentary thoughts flow like molasses. Isn’t that so?

It is my belief that all [judgmental] analyses of other human being are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

When your rivals select moves that are contrary to your wishes, these are not necessarily “bad” moves. Of course, you and everyone else will agree with this statement now…but how often, in the heat of the moment, do you remember that “I feel frustrated” isn’t the same thing as “this player is bad?”

And even if the moves aren’t wise, how does it help you to judge the move in the middle of the match?

Judging moves—instead of understanding them—will lead you to mis-predict the other players. It’s as simple as that. Your mental model of what players are likely to do will be polluted with inaccurate judgmental thinking.

Instead, observe what players do and try to understand their decisions. It is especially important that you maintaining your objectivity when you feel disappointed or frustrated with another player’s choices. Your goal—at all times—is to achieve an accurate mental model of your rival players so that you can can predict and influence their actions. Don’t allow judgment to clog up your thinking. Leave judgment to an After Action Report.

6. Maintain Your Composure With Self-Understanding

Experienced Diplomacy players will often say that they “have a thick skin.” The metaphor of calloused, damage-resistant skin signifies how the player has learned to maintain emotional composure under challenging circumstances—particularly when a rival is trying to break down that composure!

One way to develop your emotional composure is to acknowledge your emotions as such and consciously tell yourself that your emotions do not control your actions.

There is No Inherent Causal Relationship Between Experiences and Feelings

[Nonviolent Communication] heightens our awareness that way others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

First of all, your emotional responses to the situations you encounter inhere in yourself, not the situation. Not everyone has the same emotional reaction to the same situation—right? It’s never about what happened, it’s about how you take it.

So when Germany calls you a “despicable clown,” you can let this make you angry…or you can have a laugh! My rivals have very little ability to manipulate me with guilt, shame, fear, anger, etc. because I smile and laugh when they try these things—I really do!

There is No Inherent Causal Relationship Between Feelings and Actions

Second, even if you feel an emotion, it is always your decision whether to act based on that emotion. Many people honestly (yet falsely) believe they “have no choice” but to take some action based on how they feel. This is a self delusion.^[9]Please note that I am not talking about compulsive behavior in the mental health sense. I’m talking about mentally healthy people just playing a game of Diplomacy. There is a layer of self-control between how you feel and how you act.

Anger co-ops our energy by diverting it towards punitive actions.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Your feelings do not cause your actions. Your feelings do not cause your actions. If you want to be a great Diplomat—or perhaps a successful person in any endeavor—understanding the separation between your feelings and your actions is a critical mental feat.

Recognize your feelings as such…then decide what course of action is best for you.

For example, maybe you feel hurt that your ally lied to you, and to tranquilize your feelings you write a long rant about the magnitude of their mistake, what a jerk they are, etc. You probably feel better just for having written it, don’t you? Now that you feel better…delete the draft message. You don’t have to send a spiteful message just because you wrote it. You might need that player on your side down the road.

In this way, you satisfy your desire to let out your anger and disappointment without impeding your ultimate objective of succeeding in the match!

Conclusion

I think of Diplomacy as a game with a limitless skill curve. I believe this in part because communication and psychology are core skills tested by the game of Diplomacy, and those skills are not possible to completely master.

I often say that improving at Diplomacy requires players to play more matches. And I say it because I think it is true.

But I also think that improving at Diplomacy requires players to improve their general life skills. Communication and psychology are two such skills. And relentlessly playing Diplomacy matches is not necessarily the best way to develop those skills. Instead, try reading some books on the subject. If Nonviolent Communication is not for you, there are many others!^[10]I have a few recommendations in the introduction to my ODC 2019 Journal. You’ll never find the time to read them all!

To learn more of my Press Diplomacy advice, try reading my article 5 Influential Diplomacy Tips!

Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, or guilt. Know the price you pay for them.

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

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